Thursday, March 5, 2015

"From the Pit to the Palace" by Rachel Garza


 
I was sexually abused when I was only a young girl. I was confused about what a man should and shouldn't do to girls. I had a father in my life but you could say I didn't since he was an alcoholic and picked beer instead of his little girl, right to her face. I put my Mom through hell, treating her as if she was the one who FAILED and blaming her for the reason my dad was never there. I found out I was pregnant at 18 and still thinking “is this "LOVE?” I was involved with someone that I thought made the world go round. Never really knowing how it felt to be "LOVED," his absence and disrespect was no different than the way I felt when I was abused in my past. So I guessed this was "LOVE.” 


 At age 20 I end up marrying my son's father because his family told me "it's the right thing to do," not teaching me about God's word and what HE says about marriage, LOVE and His covenant. I did it (wondering if I even had a voice or a back bone) 


In 2000 at age 22, I found out that I was pregnant again with my 1st daughter. I thought THIS will fix everything!! That marriage lasted way longer than it should have, but again, I had no idea what "LOVE" was and was numb to the verbal and physical abuse. It's NORMAL - right!!?? 

I was feeling alone and lost, and knew nothing about God and TRUE LOVE. I was trying to raise 2 beautiful children the best way I knew how until the situation I was putting us in was "unsafe" and finally got the courage to leave. 

Fast forward through 3 wasted years and more pain. In 2003 I ran into an old high school friend, Oscar Garza and as they say "the rest is history." But not so much...
Still not knowing about God or "LOVE" I fell for Oscar and wondered “ is this LOVE!!??” We started dating, introduced the kids to each of our families (he had a 2 yr old son at the time), and right away I knew that if my kids "loved" him then it was meant to be. He knew the way to my heart was through theirs. I ran into another high school friend of mine, Naomi Odom. She tried reaching out to me and wanted to share this GOD thing with me and how He had changed her life. After ignoring countless emails because I knew what it was going to be about, I kept running the other direction, further and further into destruction! In 2005 I gave this marriage thing one more shot, again because I was told "Its the right thing to do.” I was still very new to knowing God. I did it thinking this WILL FIX EVERYTHING!! I guess the enemy felt left out and struck back with full force, even harder then before. Oscar's addiction to beer became more and more of a concern for me (being raised by an alcoholic Dad) and I found myself competing with BUD LIGHT! His son's Mother came out and attacked us (a few times physically),my in laws never accepted me and he had several affairs “Is THIS LOVE!!???” Married and alone Again...

God was now in my life. I was trying to stay faithful to Him and something that I knew nothing about with this all too familiar chaos all around me. I was a flower quickly fading, screaming out but no one heard me. Faking the smile to everyone but Naomi who I ran to for comfort. In 2008 I went public with my Faith and accept God as my Lord and Savior, thinking THIS WILL FIX EVERYTHING!! But I kept waking up in the same nightmare I kept choosing to live in. Another marriage out of control, confused kids, and my fears were BIGGER than my faith. All I could think about was "God, where are YOU!!!??? Why are YOU allowing this to happen AGAIN!!???" But it was Him crying out to ME, "Daughter, where are YOUUU!!!??? Why are YOU letting this happen AGAIN??!!”

I spent countless nights alone, crying, confused and allowing the enemy to fester in my pain. Marriage counseling didn't work. I left Oscar only to let him back in after "I love you, I am sorry." But it's funny I never heard GOD SAY IT! In 2009 I found out that we were pregnant with Jacob, WILL THIS FIX EVERYTHING!!!??? This will "complete" our blended family...
Starting all the way over, a 10 yr gap between my daughter and now a newborn, I felt the same ole familiar pain. Alone and having to show LOVE to children that desperately needed me. I was trying to be this Super Hero Mom and a fix him to Christ wife instead of loving him to Christ wife while the years keep going by. When 2012-2013 came I realized I need to turn my prayers around. Instead of "Lord Help me fix him" I said "Lord, he's YOURS...have your will be done..bring us to our knees, I SURRENDER IT ALL!!” I prayed for Oscar even when I didn't want to but knew I had to. I changed my problems to God's PROMISE. Pregnant with my 4th child, a daughter of Oscar's very own that he said he always wanted, I was giving this every ounce of energy I could produce to dig my nails in tightly because I gave our marriage up to God to FIX and I knew the battle was not mine anymore. It was going to be tough giving over the CONTROL. I was in tug-o-war with the enemy for my husband. I was going into the PIT for Oscar. It was the ONLY way for VICTORY!! 


In March of 2014, Oscar gave up his addiction and turned his life over to Christ. Today he attends the CELEBRATE RECOVERY class at Crosspoint Church. Can I get an AMEN, GLORY to our FATHER!!!! Our marriage is not perfect but it IS what I had been praying for in God's hands, from the Pit to the PALACE!! I can now look at Oscar, shake my head and say "I know that was You Lord. THANK YOU!!!” I surrendered everything that I failed at and I no longer live feeling fearful and alone....

It might have taken me 35 yrs to figure this all out BUT I would do it all over again knowing what I know now!! I am not where I want to be, but I am FAR from where I USED TO BE!!! I AM THE DAUGHTER OF THE ONE TRUE KING, I AM LOVED and NEVER ALONE!!!! 

(there is so much MORE to my story but why give the enemy the fame when God DESERVES ALL THE GLORY!!!) 
 
Thank you for this opportunity, it's an ANOTHER ANSWERED PRAYER!

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