Monday, September 8, 2014

Decisions by Karleigh Suderman

When do you know what you are supposed to do next when you have two or more options in front of you? How do you know which way is God’s will when none of the options seem to be out of his will? This is what I am daily walking through right now.

My husband and I have been married a few months past four years now, and about three years ago we started a part of our lives that I feel that no one should have to go through. I am not God, however, and I cannot currently see why he is allowing me to go through this. What I do know is that it will not be in vain.

Three years ago I started slowly piecing together symptoms and issues pointing towards my eventual diagnoses of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It’s pretty common and you probably know someone who has it, or perhaps you have it yourself. However, as common as it is, PCOS—or any infertility issue— is still entirely aggravating and discouraging because it usually means that it won’t be as easy to have a baby as almost everyone else in the world.

And believe me, it feels like everyone else in the world can have a baby except for you. Upon the realization that this might be a difficult journey, suddenly you are getting phone calls or texts or emails or reading Facebook posts every other day that someone else is pregnant. Sometimes they weren’t even trying, and those stories can really get to you. You find yourself asking, “How, God, is this fair that you gave this person a baby who wasn’t even ready, but I have wanted, prayed, prepared, planned, cried, bargained, begged, longed for a baby and you won’t allow me the same thing?” It sounds somewhat childish, like a little girl being jealous of a friend’s new baby doll at Christmas when all you got was a pair of socks. It seems silly, but these feelings are quite real.

Sometimes other people have babies that they planned for but had difficulty conceiving, too. Please, please understanding I know that they have the absolute best of intentions because they want you to have a baby as well (and I love them for it), but it can be overwhelming at times when they tell you to try whatever they did, or even to stop trying because that’s what they did right before they got pregnant. Or perhaps, they suggest to start looking into adoption, because once they decided to adopt, they got pregnant (or knew someone who did)!

That’s where the other side of this comes into play. I have always “planned” that I would have two biological children, and would then adopt a third. Adoption has always been something I’ve been drawn to. I have planned my life and I am supposed to complete my little family with adoption, but now it sometimes feels like adoption is my only hope at having a family at all.

My husband and I have previously discussed and decided on a “deadline” where if we are not pregnant by a certain time, we would begin the adoption process. It’s so scary to consider. Every angle is intimidating, so intimidating that you aren’t sure if you’re ready to jump in just yet. Am I ready for this? Why do I have to do this now? Why can’t I just have a baby on my own? Why can’t I do what a woman is supposed to be able to do?

I know that God put these desires in my heart to raise and love a child, and he put those there for a reason. I know that he has called me to mother children, but I do not know why he is allowing me to wait.

So this is where I am. Do I try more infertility treatments? Do I choose an adoption agency? Do I wait? Is any one of these options more correct than the others? Or are none of them wrong?

I recently attended the women’s Bible study at Crosspoint that used the book “Restless” by Jennie Allen. In a moment that I wasn’t expecting, Jennie wrote this:
“So rather than be paralyzed with fear that you may move when you should have stayed or you may stay when you should have moved, pray and commit your ways to the Lord. And then go do something…don’t be afraid. God’s will is moving, and if we will just jump, his will is going to catch us. Let him be God; move on with what you know and quit overanalyzing what you don’t” (p 122-123).

I believe that this excerpt applies to many of the varying points in our lives where we are standing at a fork in the road and cannot choose which path to take. Maybe, just maybe, we are at a moment where no matter if you go to the left, to the right, or straight ahead, all of the roads will intersect again. Maybe God isn’t wanting you, or me, to make the right or best decision. Maybe he just wants us to make a decision, and be able to trust that He is our shepherd, the Light unto our path, and he will not forget us as we walk through it together with Him.

Maybe it’s time to stop staring at the different paths, and it’s time to just start with one little step, and then another, and then another. God will catch us and lead us, love us and guide us, because we are his children and we place our faith in him. May I one day teach my children, no matter how they become mine, to do the same.

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