“I will be a mom someday” is the note I posted on my bathroom mirror the day I decided to finally let God have control of my pain, despair and emptiness. See, I’m a control freak; typical, type A, sometimes bossy personality (just ask my 2 younger sisters and my hubby). But this particular day, I had to let go.
When my husband and I got married in 2000, we never imagined we would struggle with infertility. After three failed attempts at insemination and watching my sister and many of my cousins get pregnant with ease, I found myself at the bottom of the barrel; resenting every woman in the world who carried a baby. Heck, I’d even stopped going to family functions because the anguish of seeing all the new babies and growing bellies each holiday ripped more of my heart into pieces. Resentment and self-pity weren’t very conducive to family functions. The pain had become a physical one, deep inside me, that heavily weighed me down.
Why was God doing this to me? Why was He doing this to someone who wanted a baby SO badly that it consumed every moment of my life; every breath. It robbed me of sleep.
Some people spend thousands of dollars and years of their lives dealing with infertility (and believe me, I get it) but that just wasn’t for me. I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained after only a few months. I couldn’t endure more hormone shots, ultrasounds, blood work, night sweats, uncontrollable outbursts or disappointment when I got another negative pregnancy test. I was toast. I knew adoption was what I wanted.
My husband was not so sure, unfortunately. It is a huge leap of faith to take in another person’s baby as your own. Will it feel like a real family? Will I love it as much as a biological child? Is adoption just a back-up plan and therefore giving up too soon? I’m sure all these thoughts were running through his mind but not mine! I never hesitated for a second after we got the last negative pregnancy test. I often joked that I would’ve accepted a cyclops. It didn’t matter. I just wanted a baby, any baby, in my arms. For me, it was God’s will for building our family, no doubt. And it didn’t take long for me to change my husband’s mind. Remember, I’m controlling…I mean convincing.
So fast-forward eighteen months or so. I’m in the baby’s nursery, as I was every day. We were told that preparing the nursery could be therapy for waiting parents. Not so much for me, though. The waiting was killing me. Our adoption paperwork had been completed and approved months ago! I was still so empty, just like this nursery. I would hold all the gifts we’d received, stare at the empty crib and flip through all the books I intended to read to my little one. But this one day, something different happened. All of a sudden, tears flooded my face and I buried it into the nursery carpet. I submitted myself and my pain to God. I told him, yelled at him actually, that I was so tired – tired of being angry and empty. I couldn’t control this situation any longer. Then I heard His voice in my head. “You WILL be a mom someday.” The word, will, was the key. It was going to happen, He’d just promised me. But only He knew when. I had to trust Him! I had turned my angry back on Him. I had blamed Him.
So at that moment, I handed Him the steering wheel that I had a death grip on. I marched down to my bathroom where I displayed His personal message on my mirror to read each morning. A huge peace filled me and His comfort took the place where despair once resided.
Only a few, short weeks later, we got the call from our case-worker that our baby girl was ready. She had been chosen as ours long before the creation of the world. But I had been too blinded by anger and blame to realize that I couldn’t welcome a baby that hadn’t been born!
And then twenty months later, we were suddenly gifted our second daughter. We weren’t at all planning on another baby but once again, the Lord already had it all planned. He knew my two beautiful girls, now nine and ten, were the perfect fit for our family. He created them and knit them together so perfectly inside another woman’s womb. How could I have ever doubted Him? But that too, was part of His perfect plan. What He wanted me to learn that unforgettable day, is that everything is in His immaculate timing. All He wants is for us to rely on our faith and trust Him no matter what our circumstances are.